Quick, to the slutcave!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
