Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
