I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
