My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
