i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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