Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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