I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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