i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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