just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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