I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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