Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
