After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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