I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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