It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The uberlube is also flammable
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
