my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
