please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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