I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
