omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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