woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
