I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
