The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
