Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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