Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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