Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
