if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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