update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Still dying that you shit outside
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
