What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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