I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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