I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
