I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
