alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
