I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
