Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
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also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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