Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
3 2 1 whiskey
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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