and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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