It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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