If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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