So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
