i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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