I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
