I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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