Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
