Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
