Screwed.edu
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
