the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
