My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
