Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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