Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
