Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
