I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
