I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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