All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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