I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I supernannyed him into submission
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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