We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Is it because I queefed?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
