I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the day after is always just damage control
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
