never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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