I'm going to rape someone's good day.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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